Right now I'm writing a book. So if I don't post for a while, my apologiys. (However you spell that.) Also, I'm in a real moodswingy mood. I was listnin to Evanesence. And now, I'm too embarrassed to admit who I'm listening too. Let's just say, usually to sugary sweet for my taste. And mild. Ahh, emotions. I hate bein' on their rollercoaster. GET ME OFF! PLEASE! Oh. I'm leaving nxt week. I'm ridin a plane for the 1st time. I didn't sleep at all last night. I have medical Insomnia. Funny thing is, I just bought a CD named Insomniatic. And that song's 1 of my favorites on that CD. Huh. Life's funny. In a cruel, evil, twisted sorta way.

'(I ONLY) DREAMED'

I had a dream of you, last night

It was just like our old times

Before you changed away

You smiled last night

And in my dream you laughed

(Chorus)

We smiled & laughed like we used to

We had fun & & were in love like we always were

You used to be happy & loved me

Now you're not (don't)

And i wonder why

As i cry myself to sleep

I woke up this morning, seeing your face

Free from haunted lines

Joy loose on your face

Instead of that dispare marked on every breath you take

I wrap my arms around your dream-self

I've wanted to do that so many times

I wipe away your tears & fears

Then we'll go to a place, my dream place for us

(Chorus repeat)

And i remember,

You smiled once

And still do,

in my dream

My 4 Fears

I'm only afraid of 4 things. Other people seem t have this huge list of things. Some say they're not afriad of anything. I know better. you see, I may not have quite figured myself out (I don't believe anyone can truly know themselve, but that's another post.) bt I do know what my fears are.

My biggest fear, that haunts me almot daily, is taht something terribe would happen to a friend. Whether it be they get injured or killed, or do something like drugs or get pregnant. I used to live in constant fear of a call saying "So-&-so's in jail/the hospital."

Number 3 is of being betrayed by someone close, or being pushed aside for something else. So, I guess rejection. But I've hadto leanr to cope with that sinceit's a part of my every day life. I may even become an expert on rejection.

Then (This sorta ties in with #2) I am afriad of people discovering who I really am, since then, they always leave. At the same time, I want to be true to myself & have friends who see & love me for who I am.

My last one (And the most trivial) is of getting old. Not that I'm scared of dying! On the contruary! (But I don't wanna go ito that 'cause then I might get sent to a counseler.) What I'm afraid of is not being able to take care of myself. And doing the things I like most.

this font is red. the color of my blood. actually mine's darker. almost black. you may be wondering, "why's she talking like this? oh no. what's she gonna do now!?", but, i promise. im all right. sorta. ive been thinking alot about the spiritual. i feel, trapped, in the body of a 13 year old. my thoughts & feelings are those of one almost twice my age. people judge me by my age, my dark clothes, my grades, etc. i hate judging. i can't stand people who judge. unfortunatly i do it myself too. i wish i didnt. its the thing that makes me feel guilty weeks later. i hate racim. in any & all forms. whether discriminating against color, clothing style, looks, grades, friends, whatever. what i hate most of all, is when people are nasty to my friends about being goth or emo. especially if they're not Christians. & the people being racist to the say they are. i mean, if youre a real follower of God, then you'll want to bring people to him. now, if someone (And some have) came up to me & said, "You're goth. (Or whatever) So you're going to Hell." i would probably tell them to go to Hell themselves. (Sorry. its the truth.) so, to me, if i hear someone saying that who claims to be a Christian, i want to (& sometimes do!) ask them if theyre Christians, then why are they acting worse than most who abhore God. thats my sermon of the week. take it or leave it.

Cant talk right now. gotta make a cd & get off.

Rockin Girl Blog Award

My mom awarded me my 1st ever Blog Award. The Rockin' Girl Blog Award. She said,

"My oldest daughter A is literally a ROCKER! Her blog, is filled to nearly overflowing with Christian rock videos, lyrics, quizzes, concert info, and photos. She loves Christian rock and loves listening to it, reading about it, visiting related websites, going to concerts, dancing to it, and blasting out her own songs. Worshipping God through modern music is one of her favorite parts of our church's life."

Now I have to award it too 5 people. And i give it to (drumroll please *DRUM-DA-DA-DUM!*) Bekah! ( http://ivegotredhair.blogspot.com/ ) Lydia! ( http://tim4manfanatic.blogspot.com/ ) Trist! ( http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/falloutgirl/ ) Candace! ( http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/ClogGirl/ ) And Cassie! ( http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/classycassie/ ) Check out their blogs & see why I gave them the awards! Lydia & Trist were obvious. (Lydia's a SwitchFoot fanatic & Trist's a FOB, HSM & Jesse MC fan.) Bekah's blog's got tons of MVs (Music Videos). Candace really is a rocker (Even though on the cover she may seem not. She really is.). She LOVES Family Force 5! And Cassie well, just rox! ;) Love ya all! :* (*kiss*)